Right then lads, if you want to pull, get your tools out - gardening that is. A survey has found that the dream-date for Welsh woman is none other than Groundforce's Alan Titchmarsh.

So take a tip from him, get out into the open and spread some seed.

Stuff the Jubilee

If you'd rather stay indoors, you could do a lot worse than Pontypridd's Clwb y Bont. They're hosting the UK's largest Pro Republican Festival - under the banner of 'Stuff the Monarchy'.

The three-day event is a mixture of poetry, music and lively debate. All-in-all a good chance to have a drink, berate the Royal Family, and escape that sickening flag-waving crap.

Fission chips

Talking of crap, radioactive waste is being dumped into the Servern Estuary. And, surprise surprise, our fish population is being contaminated.

To avoid the increased risks of cancer, Health Officials are informing consumers not to buy three-eyed glow-in-the-dark specimens. Our advice is stick to the chips - the only healthy option.

Where's the beach gone mun?

There's more cause for concern this week with news that dredging for sand is resulting in the erosion of South Wales beaches. Sand castles could soon be a thing of the past and the 26 Blue Flags we've just been awarded may be permanently underwater.

Still, on the bright side, posey-git surfers may all bugger-off to Cornwall, forever.

No Star Wales

More seriously, in a pointless mid-week fixture, in front of an unfull house, Wales managed to throw away a 25-point lead against a no-star Barbarian outfit. This is just the kind of morale booster needed before the South African tour. Still, we came home chuffed - we got Botham's autograph (that's Ian's not Liam's).