Awards update

Dylan Thomas and the wife in our pub of the month

We've finally got around to updating our awards and we promise to stay on top of things in future (the awards will be bi-monthly).

Our Pub-crawl of the Month goes to the picturesque village of Laugharne in West Wales - it was here that Dylan Thomas used to go drinking with his stunning bird (pictured right).

Our Sports Person of the Month is a crazy golf winner. Team of the Month is the Prince of Wales rugby team for putting together 45 phases in a charity match.

Drunk of the month is back on the booze after ten years. Site of the month is the Welsh Elvis festival. Our Joke of the Month involves a doctor and a taxidermist. Finally, our Lookalike of the Month is a dead ringer for Mike Ruddock.

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Kebab money nicked from skinny dipper's shoes
by Mark Davies 22/05/05

Skinny dipper Alan Hughes

Skinny Dipper Alan Hughes was stunned to find £3.25 mssing from his shoes after his usual midnight swim off lavernock Point yesterday.

"I honestly can't believe it, I've been coming here since I was a nipper, and nothing like this has happened before," said the 36 year old engineer,

"I saw some lads on the seashore near my clothes, but by the time I'd got to them, they'd buggered off with my kebab money."

Alan puts the theft down to the 'get something for nothing culture' prevalent in todays society.

"I'll be wearing waterproof trunks with a zip-up pocket in future," he added.

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Wales rugby diehard enjoys himself for first time since 99
by John Morgan 08/02/05

A Welsh rugby diehard enjoyed himself for the first time since 1999 after Gavin Henson booted Wales to Glory on Saturday.

The Penarth painter and decorator Ian Lloyd had a really top-night as Wales scored a deserved victory over the old enemy.

"Since beating the English at Wembley I've had a string of bad luck," said 40 year old Ian, "my business failed, my wife pissed off and my house has burnt down."

His misery was compounded by 'loads of defeats' to the English, and when England won the world cup he was 'on the point of suicide.'

So, on saturday, it was no surprise to see the normally reserved Ian sinking 14 pints of Guiness followed by countless whisky chasers. "Ive been to hell and now I'm back," said Ian, punching the air, "but I'm keeping the Samaritans number just in case we lose to Italy," he joked.

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Wales brain-drain researchers quit for London
by Michael Evans 17/04/04

People walking around London - some of whom are no doubt very brainy as the city benefits from the brain-drain in Wales and other places

The Progressive Wales Forum investigating the brain-drain crisis could disband after key members quit for London to better themselves.

The Swansea based think-tank founded to resolve the exodus of brainy people across the border lost half its members to the lure of the Big Smoke.

Employment Resource Co-ordinator Phil Griffiths resigned Monday after an approach by Wembley based Fishia Technology. Statistician Tim Mullins and assistant Julie followed suit, tapped up by city-analyst's TAB.

"Right now, we're trying to get past Friday at best," said Chairman Byron Chambers, clearly cut-up as corporate sponsors withdraw en masse.

"We basically need replacements fast if were going to survive, but finding such talent in this neck of the woods is a nightmare scenario," added Chambers.

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'Punters must sit next to each other' - says new pub ruling
by John Morgan 13/12/03

Maesteg Arms - Maesteg

If you hate strange company, skip the Maesteg Arms. The town-centre pub is forcing strangers to sit together, in a bid to resurrect pub-life.

"It really rattles me when people swan in here and keep themselves to themselves," said landlord Ian Roberts, "so I've started banning people from sitting at a new table if there's a spare seat next to someone else."

Ian's feelings have festered for years, but the final straw came only last month. "It was pretty quiet so I arranged a game of giant Connect Four. We were having a great laugh until this lanky bloke barged through the door. He ordered a pint of 20p squash, didn't bother to say thanks, and sat as far up the back as possible.

"I was pretty pissed off already, but when he put his Walkman on, I was nearly foaming at the mouth."

Regional taiquando champ, Ian, "tossed him out on his arse", and subsequently launched the ground-breaking diktat.

While hard-core regulars applaud Ian's stance, others are not so keen. Devoted couple Alan and Brenda describe a recent visit as "an absolute nightmare."

"We popped in about two weeks ago for my wife's birthday," said Alan, "we ordered some food and a bottle of wine, and went to sit by the window.

"Before we could sit down, this barman came over and said we had to move next to Robert, one of their regulars. We thought he was joking until he started moving our drinks. We both hate any fuss so we went along with it, but we were secretly fuming.

"We didn't know this bloke from adam. We tried to make polite conversation but he was hammered and you could barely understand what he was saying.

"The whole night was a complete disaster - especially when our food arrived and he kept pinching our chips.

Despite such protestations, Ian has no regrets:

"You're always going to get some funny buggers who don't want to mix," said Ian, "if I've offended them, then brilliant- they're exactly the kind of people I want to see the back of."

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Soldier's dilemma over selection of Martin Johnson in the trenches
by Mark Davies 03/11/03

Martin Johnson - England rugby Captain

Welsh Guard Ian Davies, 34, really respects Martin Johnson as a player, but he won't commit on whether the English talisman would be the ideal comrade in the trenches.

"As much as I think Martin Johnson is a great player, I'm still not sure whether he'd be the person I'd most want on my side in the trenches," said the Iraq war veteran.

Ian continued: "He's a born leader and amazingly brave, but he's had no military training, and he's so tall his head might pop over the trenches."

Alternatively, he could opt for his mate Steve Roberts, "he's only ever played mini-rugby, but he's a trained sniper," said Ian.

"This one could turn into a real selection headache," he added.

Oldest teaboy in town
By John Morgan 05/10/03

48 year old Steve Probert is the oldest teaboy in Wales, according to a Business Demographics report published today.

The Promo Publishing employee was flattered by the news:

"It's great to think I'm flying the flag for the forty-somethings", said Steve from his Ely bedsit, "it just goes to show that you don't have to be a young man to do a young man's job."

Batchelor Steve has sweated the job for three decades, and loves the variety.

"You could work here forever and never get bored," said a clearly animated Steve.

"One minute you're doing the drinks round, and the next you're photocopying vital documents for the supervisor."

Steve's temperament has been crucial:

"I've always been able to take discipline - I'm pretty mild-mannered," he said, palms facing the ceiling. "The day I become a stubborn old bastard is the day I retire."

But he does demand respect:

"Taking orders is one thing, but I won't let anyone take the piss," said Steve.

"I remember last year when one of the temps asked me to hang their coat up - let's just say we had words."

And despite being a self-confessed workhorse, Steve plays hard.

"I work my balls off all day, but at five I can let go," he said.

"When the boss is preparing for the AGM, I'm on the Playstation 2 - who's the mug," he added.

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Mexican-Wave starter "over the moon"
By Mark Davies 06/09/03

Mexico - where the wave originated

A Maesteg taxi driver is over the moon this week after accidentally starting a Mexican Wave at the Millennium Stadium.

The unforgettable incident took place 5 minutes into Saturday's Wales v Scotland rugby international:

"We were losing 3-0 already and I thought this was the start of yet another beating," said 34-year-old Mike Howe, "so I just threw my hands in the air out of sheer frustration."

The Neath Ospreys' fan was gobsmacked when the rest of the stand followed suit. "I've never seen anything like it in my life," he said, "it must have gone at least a quarter of the way round the stadium - it was madness - like watching a giant-sized domino rally."

Mike was an instant hero inside the stadium, "people were just coming up to me and shaking my hand, offering to buy me pints and everything," said Mike, "it was really freaky."

Wales went on to beat Scotland 23-9, but Mike completely lost track of the score:

"I must have been in shock or something because I didn't even know who won until I got home and saw it on the text," said Mike.

But there's no repeat performance on the cards. "I'd toyed with the idea of deliberately starting one at Wales' next home game, but I've spoken about it with the family and I'm not going to bother now - you just can't plan these things, they happen once in lifetime," said Mike, "if you're lucky," he added.

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Coining it in at the pool table
By John Morgan 07/08/03

An uncustomised 20p

Customised pool markers have hit South Wales after a Bridgend street-trader spotted a gap in the market.

"I'd been a regular on the pub scene for years", said Fruit stall holder Tim Davies, "I'd noticed fights were always starting around the pool table - usually over whose 20p was down first."

After fierce fighting in his local last year, Tim hit-on the perfect solution:

"I realised a means of spotting the difference between peoples markers was needed," he said, "so I started painting 20p's different colours and selling them on my stall for 50p each - next to the spuds."

34 year old Tim was amazed when the first batch of coins sold within hours, and business has been booming ever since.

"The punters have loved them from the word go. You just wouldn't believe the thank you letters I've got - particularly from landlords and bouncers," he said.

Tim, who's worked the market for 20 years, sells a variety of customised coins - ranging from initialled coins at £3.50, silver at £5.50 and gold at £7.50.

"You 'd be surprised how many orders I get for the more expensive range marker", he said, "I think it's become a little bit of a status symbol," he added.

With business going from strength to strength, Tim plans an online presence.

"I've already registered the name www.customized-pool-coins.com," he said, "and I'm just putting the finishing touches to the website."

He'll be "targeting the Chinese market - where pool is massive," said Tim.

"If it catches on there, I think I'll be needing some extra staff," he added.

 

Street-performer pens Stereophonics rock-musical

Wrong Thatcher dies!
By Mark Davies 14/07/03

A dejected Fred - still unable to face the world

When ex-miner and anti-poll tax campaigner Fred Williams caught the tail end of a 'Thatcher is dead' news report, he went absolutely crazy.

"I started jumping up and down, going mad", he said. "The first thing I could think of was to go and get a bottle of champagne to celebrate - so I ran straight down the offy."

49-year-old Fred "downed the bottle in one" and remembers thinking "this is the best day of my life".

However, celebrations were cut short when wife Sue arrived home from Asda's and broke the grim news.

"When she told me Dennis was dead and not Maggie I was gutted. I felt a right idiot. I should have known that people like her don't die till they're ancient - everybody knows that!"

A week later Fred is still hurting. "To have something like that taken away from you is terrible," he said. "I've got to somehow get over it, but it won't be easy," he added, whilst popping his newly prescribed Prozac.

Funeral crawl